Monday, September 29, 2008

Hail to the Chief!

Planning an Election Night party? Call Friends For Hire!

We don't care if you're throwing a bi-partisan bash, or if your shingdig could make even George Soros feel middle-of-the-road, we've got you covered.

For the low, low price of $538, you can have the political junkies at Friends For Hire turn your home into the set of the McLaughlin Group, or the DKE House when Dubya was an undergrad, as we wait to see which of these two nincompoops great men earn the right to occupy the same Oval Office where John Kennedy and Ronald Reagan once stood tall against the Evil Empire.

Feeling undecided? Check out our qualifications:
  • We vote in every election, even when it's just to defeat silly bond proposals.
  • We believe in the First Amendment, and have exercised our right to protest and belittle people with whom we've disagreed.
  • We believe in the Second Amendment, even though we unfortunately aren't allowed to shoot the people we exercised our First Amendment rights against.
  • We've participated in political conventions at all levels (except state and national).
  • We've donated (small amounts) to and (briefly) worked for political campaigns.
  • And... we've seen every episode of The West Wing, so we really know our stuff.
Whether you're a Democrat, a Republican, one of those people that take pride in wasting your vote, or you're just looking for an excuse to emulate Ted Kennedy on a Tuesday, Friends For Hire won't leave you hanging, Chad!

We can tell your other guests how your great uncle Milton campaigned our grandfather to the Texas Railroad Commission, or how the College Republicans chapter you chaired once raised $25,000 for the State Party. And that cute little brunette that sometimes gets mistaken for Barbara Bush? She'll be begging you to buy her margaritas at Chuy's once she hears about the summer you interned at the White House.

It doesn't matter if your personality is non-existant like Joe Biden or cantankerous like John McCain. We don't care if your resume is as bare as Barack Obama's or Sarah Pallin's. We believe that everybody's voice should be heard, as long as your bank account doesn't rememble the Washington Mutual corporate ledger. And with prices this low, you don't need a government bailout!

So don't be a jackass; let Friends For Hire help you throw a Grand Old Party this November!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

This Weekend in the A-T-X (Sept. 26-28)

The cloud of dust, pot and patchouli already emanating from the greater Zilker Park area can signify only one thing: Austin City Limits music festival.

Due to Hurricane Ike, this year's festival runs concurrently with a Texas Football weekend. Here at Friends For Hire we love music, but college football ranks as our true passion. So for this weekend only we're running a special for our musically inclined customers.

For only $200 per person, you can enlist a Friend For Hire to attend the festival with you and rock out to your favorite bands (so long as your favorite bands do not include any spare Austin acts that perform weekly at Antone's or one of Austin's other faux-venerable venues). What a great deal!

But wait, there's more...

Your FFH will:
  • Wear a band t-shirt of your choice and use a koozie advertising one of Austin's coolest spots (note: Frieds For Hire proudly supports the Mean Eyed Cat as our preferred trendy bar koozie)
  • Learn (some of) the lyrics to at least one song from each of your three favorite bands.
  • Regale that guy or girl nearby - the one you can't stop ogling, but who you're too timid to approach - with an anecdote about the time (Random Band) pulled you on stage to sing (Random Song) during the encore of their show at (Random Club) two years ago. We'll even photoshop a picture of you with the lead singer for proof!
This is a once-a-year opportunity you cannot let pass!

We have Friends standing by that are going to the festival, but they won't last long. Act now to ensure you won't be the one guy or girl standing alone eating overpriced, soggy nachos, and drowning your friendless sorrows in $5 Lone Stars.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Just In Case You Were Wondering

We will not clean your toilets or mop your floors.

Weclome to "Friends For Hire"

Are you bored with your life?

Do your friends get on your nerves?

When was the last time you had a really great time?

There's absolutely no reason your Saturdays should be dull and and your desire for pursuing happiness unfulfilled. Perhaps what you really need is to shake things up. Live a little. Have some good ol' fashioned fun.

At Friends for Hire that's what we do -- we have fun. Give us a call and we guarantee you will, too.

Friends for Hire? Who are you?

We're the people you call when you wake up Monday morning and cringe at the realization that you pissed away a perfectly good weekend, while also realizing you'll slog your way through five excruciating days of work before another wasted respite.

That's cruel. And that's where we come in.

We like beer. We like brisket. We like laying poolside with some tunes blasting and the sun on our faces. But what we like most is knowing that our clients are enjoying life just as much as we do. We're here for you. Your enjoyment is our business.

But what can you do for me?

We'll show up at your event, act like we've known you forever, and even supply an anecdote for every situation that may arise, as well as unique "how we met" stories for each new friend. We'll pump the keg, man the grill, impress your neighbors with that tale about the drowning toddler you saved, make you look good in front of your boss or co-workers, fabricate bedroom yarns to get you in good with that cute brunette in accounting, and even pet your dog. Don't have a dog? That's okay, because in our premium packages we'll bring one for you.

Our standard package starts at $500 for five friends. Need more friends? Who doesn't! We have plenty of people that will pretend to be your friend, and the more you want, the less you pay per friend! We've got dogs! We've got cats! We've even got well-behaved children that can pose as your nephew from Santa Clara!

We've got koozies and Mardi Gras beads. We've got water volleyballs and beach balls. We can get a grill going in minutes, and pour you a beer wih minimal foam. All you have to do is smile, play along, and reap the rewards that come with being the guy that knows how to throw a party!

Call us today! By tomorrow you'll be "The Man"!

*standard package only applies in Travis County. Beyond that customer must provide travel stipend and per diem. Customer also provides all alcohol, chasers, foodstuffs, grilling equipment, decorations, sunscreen, ice, lawn chairs, beach towels, parking, prophylactics, whipped cream, and aspirin. Appropriate events include, but are not limited to: lake parties, pool parties, tailgates, game-watching gatherings, casino nights, wedding receptions (actual wedding ceremony extra), BBQs, red carpet movie premieres, family reunions, bar mitzvahs, and graduations.No unauthorized photography. Discounted pricing available for: golf course residents, anyone with a pool, boat owners, and celebrities. Equal opportunity contractor.