Summertime in the ATX

Sorry for the long pause in between posts (has it been 16 years?)... we've, uh, been busy with friends. *

*See what I did there?

It's almost August in Austin, Texas, so you know what that means: heat, heat, and more heat, with a side of soul-crushing humidity. Except this summer has been mild, especially compared to 2023 (<knocks furiously on wood>)*.

*Somehow I expect that we'll still see plenty of triple-digit days before that first fake cool front in mid-September, followed by six more weeks of summer.

But in Texas, even a mild summer is still summer, and every Texan knows that the only way to endure the hellishness is with water-based activities, plenty of ice-cold beverages, and a brisket thrown in here and there for good measure. So... the team here at FFH have thrown together two exciting opportunities to get you through the worst month on the calendar.

Remember: pricing is subject to change, and availability is limited, so email us today!

Friends For Hire Summer 2024 Menu

#1 Pool Party

So you moved from California into a late century McMansion in Cedar Park with a pretty sweet set-up, but you feel unfulfilled because your Saturday afternoons consist only of you and (if you're even that lucky) your significant other, floating around for a few hours, and their nose is buried in the latest Colleen Hoover or Brandon Sanderson tome. *yawn*

What are you even getting from those mammoth property tax bills, outside of another mediocre season of Timberwolf football?

Friends For Hire can help! 

Picture this: you finally have a reason to meet the neighbors, because you're hosting the fiesta of the year! Everywhere you look you see people having a great time! The Modelos (or Miller Lites or Trulys or Vodka-Sodas) are flowing, our award-winning Spotify playlist is blaring everything from Tupac to Turnpike to Tay-Tay, and the grill is making everyone's mouths water. People will come, Ray!

For at least an afternoon you get to be the hero of the block. We'll ensure that everyone in a three-street radius knows you didn't really like living in the Bay Area with all of those people pooping in the streets. You're a by-God Texan now! You love football and Jesus, and you can't wait to show them an aresenal big enough to defend the Alamo (victoriously this time).*

*Small upcharge if we have to supply an arsenal; larger upcharge if we have to show you how to hold a firearm. Don't know the difference in the Spread and the Wishbone? You're covered! Never opened a Bible before? We'll provide a few choice scriptures that you can still remember after you've shotgunned six beers and slammed two Fireballs.

If this soiree doesn't raise your neighborhood standing then nothing will. I know, the Karen two houses down will probably complain, but we'll give her the finger, free of charge, and make sure to pee on her rose bush and leave a few beer cans in her yard because no one likes her anyway!*

*Assuming she's not your HOA President, in which case you're probably screwed anyway.

#2 Backyard BBQ

So you just bought a Traeger but your only attempt at smoking something made your guests wish they were at Lincoln Reilly's house. 

Never fear - Friends For Hire is always available to help! Our certified Master Chefs know how to handle meat. We excel at brisket. We conquer beef or pork ribs. Sausage? Pork Butt? Steaks? Check, check, Czechoslovakia!

Put us to work and we'll put everyone into the kind of meat coma that will get you a promotion or re-elected to the PTA Board.*

*Actually, be careful about inviting your boss. We tend to not have a filter when regaling your colleagues with our anecdotes, like when you accidentally hooked up with the boss's daughter after Snoop Dogg played your frat party, or the time you smoked a J at the 50-yard line on the last day of school, before driving to Houston for Aerosmith tickets (yes, most anecdotes are lifted from classic cinema; did you think we're that creative for free? Original stories are an upcharge).

What about sides? Well if they've given up a perfectly good Saturday afternoon to spend time with your goofy ass then they're not there for potato salad, but what the hell... we'll have the taters, the beans, the corn on the cob, and maybe even some delectable cheesy squash (RIP John Mueller). Don't even ask about slaw - if you want that shit then call Bill Miller's to cater, but don't expect a crowd.

By the end of the night you'll be a legend at work and you may finally get invited to the Happy Hour that your colleagues are actually having, even if they all tell you they're going straight home. And that cute gal from Marketing might finally think you have a Big Unit instead of just a, ahem, randy johnson.

Coming Soon

Lake Travis Adventure - So you just bought a new Center Console, but you steer clear of Devil's Cove because you're sans amigos... Friends For Hire can turn your pity party into a revved-up rager! Check back for details!

Hail to the Chief!

Planning an Election Night party? Call Friends For Hire!

We don't care if you're throwing a bi-partisan bash, or if your shingdig could make even George Soros feel middle-of-the-road, we've got you covered.

For the low, low price of $538, you can have the political junkies at Friends For Hire turn your home into the set of the McLaughlin Group, or the DKE House when Dubya was an undergrad, as we wait to see which of these two nincompoops great men earn the right to occupy the same Oval Office where John Kennedy and Ronald Reagan once stood tall against the Evil Empire.

Feeling undecided? Check out our qualifications:

• We vote in every election, even when it's just to defeat silly bond proposals.
• We believe in the First Amendment, and have exercised our right to protest and belittle people with whom we've disagreed.
• We believe in the Second Amendment, even though we unfortunately aren't allowed to shoot the people we exercised our First Amendment rights against.
• We've participated in political conventions at all levels (except state and national).
• We've donated (small amounts) to and (briefly) worked for political campaigns.
• And... we've seen every episode of The West Wing, so we really know our stuff.

Whether you're a Democrat, a Republican, one of those people that take pride in wasting your vote, or you're just looking for an excuse to emulate Ted Kennedy on a Tuesday, Friends For Hire won't leave you hanging, Chad!

We can tell your other guests how your great uncle Milton campaigned our grandfather to the Texas Railroad Commission, or how the College Republicans chapter you chaired once raised $25,000 for the State Party. And that cute little brunette that sometimes gets mistaken for Barbara Bush? She'll be begging you to buy her margaritas at Chuy's once she hears about the summer you interned at the White House.

It doesn't matter if your personality is non-existant like Joe Biden or cantankerous like John McCain. We don't care if your resume is as bare as Barack Obama's or Sarah Pallin's. We believe that everybody's voice should be heard, as long as your bank account doesn't rememble the Washington Mutual corporate ledger. And with prices this low, you don't need a government bailout!

So don't be a jackass; let Friends For Hire help you throw a Grand Old Party this November!

This Weekend in the A-T-X (Sept. 26-28)

The cloud of dust, pot and patchouli already emanating from the greater Zilker Park area can signify only one thing: Austin City Limits music festival.

Due to Hurricane Ike, this year's festival runs concurrently with a Texas Football weekend. Here at Friends For Hire we love music, but college football ranks as our true passion. So for this weekend only we're running a special for our musically inclined customers.

For only $200 per person, you can enlist a Friend For Hire to attend the festival with you and rock out to your favorite bands (so long as your favorite bands do not include any spare Austin acts that perform weekly at Antone's or one of Austin's other faux-venerable venues). What a great deal!

But wait, there's more...

Your FFH will:

• Wear a band t-shirt of your choice and use a koozie advertising one of Austin's coolest spots (note: Frieds For Hire proudly supports the Mean Eyed Cat as our preferred trendy bar koozie)
• Learn (some of) the lyrics to at least one song from each of your three favorite bands.
• Regale that guy or girl nearby - the one you can't stop ogling, but who you're too timid to approach - with an anecdote about the time (Random Band) pulled you on stage to sing (Random Song) during the encore of their show at (Random Club) two years ago. We'll even photoshop a picture of you with the lead singer for proof!

This is a once-a-year opportunity you cannot let pass!

We have Friends standing by that are going to the festival, but they won't last long. Act now to ensure you won't be the one guy or girl standing alone eating overpriced, soggy nachos, and drowning your friendless sorrows in $5 Lone Stars.

Just In Case You Were Wondering

We will not clean your toilets or mop your floors.

Weclome to "Friends For Hire"

Are you bored with your life?

Do your friends get on your nerves?

When was the last time you had a really great time?

There's absolutely no reason your Saturdays should be dull and and your desire for pursuing happiness unfulfilled. Perhaps what you really need is to shake things up. Live a little. Have some good ol' fashioned fun.

At Friends for Hire that's what we do -- we have fun. Give us a call and we guarantee you will, too.

Friends for Hire? Who are you?

We're the people you call when you wake up Monday morning and cringe at the realization that you pissed away a perfectly good weekend, while also realizing you'll slog your way through five excruciating days of work before another wasted respite.

That's cruel. And that's where we come in.

We like beer. We like brisket. We like laying poolside with some tunes blasting and the sun on our faces. But what we like most is knowing that our clients are enjoying life just as much as we do. We're here for you. Your enjoyment is our business.

But what can you do for me?

We'll show up at your event, act like we've known you forever, and even supply an anecdote for every situation that may arise, as well as unique "how we met" stories for each new friend. We'll pump the keg, man the grill, impress your neighbors with that tale about the drowning toddler you saved, make you look good in front of your boss or co-workers, fabricate bedroom yarns to get you in good with that cute brunette in accounting, and even pet your dog. Don't have a dog? That's okay, because in our premium packages we'll bring one for you.

Our standard package starts at $500 for five friends. Need more friends? Who doesn't! We have plenty of people that will pretend to be your friend, and the more you want, the less you pay per friend! We've got dogs! We've got cats! We've even got well-behaved children that can pose as your nephew from Santa Clara!

We've got koozies and Mardi Gras beads. We've got water volleyballs and beach balls. We can get a grill going in minutes, and pour you a beer wih minimal foam. All you have to do is smile, play along, and reap the rewards that come with being the guy that knows how to throw a party!

Call us today! By tomorrow you'll be "The Man"!

*standard package only applies in Travis County. Beyond that customer must provide travel stipend and per diem. Customer also provides all alcohol, chasers, foodstuffs, grilling equipment, decorations, sunscreen, ice, lawn chairs, beach towels, parking, prophylactics, whipped cream, and aspirin. Appropriate events include, but are not limited to: lake parties, pool parties, tailgates, game-watching gatherings, casino nights, wedding receptions (actual wedding ceremony extra), BBQs, red carpet movie premieres, family reunions, bar mitzvahs, and graduations.No unauthorized photography. Discounted pricing available for: golf course residents, anyone with a pool, boat owners, and celebrities. Equal opportunity contractor.