Sorry for the long pause in between posts (has it been 16 years?)... we've, uh, been busy with friends. *
*See what I did there?
It's almost August in Austin, Texas, so you know what that means: heat, heat, and more heat, with a side of soul-crushing humidity. Except this summer has been mild, especially compared to 2023 (<knocks furiously on wood>)*.
*Somehow I expect that we'll still see plenty of triple-digit days before that first fake cool front in mid-September, followed by six more weeks of summer.
But in Texas, even a mild summer is still summer, and every Texan knows that the only way to endure the hellishness is with water-based activities, plenty of ice-cold beverages, and a brisket thrown in here and there for good measure. So... the team here at FFH have thrown together two exciting opportunities to get you through the worst month on the calendar.
Remember: pricing is subject to change, and availability is limited, so email us today!
Friends For Hire Summer 2024 Menu
#1 Pool Party
So you moved from California into a late century McMansion in Cedar Park with a pretty sweet set-up, but you feel unfulfilled because your Saturday afternoons consist only of you and (if you're even that lucky) your significant other, floating around for a few hours, and their nose is buried in the latest Colleen Hoover or Brandon Sanderson tome. *yawn*
What are you even getting from those mammoth property tax bills, outside of another mediocre season of Timberwolf football?
Friends For Hire can help!
Picture this: you finally have a reason to meet the neighbors, because you're hosting the fiesta of the year! Everywhere you look you see people having a great time! The Modelos (or Miller Lites or Trulys or Vodka-Sodas) are flowing, our award-winning Spotify playlist is blaring everything from Tupac to Turnpike to Tay-Tay, and the grill is making everyone's mouths water. People will come, Ray!
For at least an afternoon you get to be the hero of the block. We'll ensure that everyone in a three-street radius knows you didn't really like living in the Bay Area with all of those people pooping in the streets. You're a by-God Texan now! You love football and Jesus, and you can't wait to show them an aresenal big enough to defend the Alamo (victoriously this time).*
*Small upcharge if we have to supply an arsenal; larger upcharge if we have to show you how to hold a firearm. Don't know the difference in the Spread and the Wishbone? You're covered! Never opened a Bible before? We'll provide a few choice scriptures that you can still remember after you've shotgunned six beers and slammed two Fireballs.
If this soiree doesn't raise your neighborhood standing then nothing will. I know, the Karen two houses down will probably complain, but we'll give her the finger, free of charge, and make sure to pee on her rose bush and leave a few beer cans in her yard because no one likes her anyway!*
*Assuming she's not your HOA President, in which case you're probably screwed anyway.
#2 Backyard BBQ
So you just bought a Traeger but your only attempt at smoking something made your guests wish they were at Lincoln Reilly's house.
Never fear - Friends For Hire is always available to help! Our certified Master Chefs know how to handle meat. We excel at brisket. We conquer beef or pork ribs. Sausage? Pork Butt? Steaks? Check, check, Czechoslovakia!
Put us to work and we'll put everyone into the kind of meat coma that will get you a promotion or re-elected to the PTA Board.*
*Actually, be careful about inviting your boss. We tend to not have a filter when regaling your colleagues with our anecdotes, like when you accidentally hooked up with the boss's daughter after Snoop Dogg played your frat party, or the time you smoked a J at the 50-yard line on the last day of school, before driving to Houston for Aerosmith tickets (yes, most anecdotes are lifted from classic cinema; did you think we're that creative for free? Original stories are an upcharge).
What about sides? Well if they've given up a perfectly good Saturday afternoon to spend time with your goofy ass then they're not there for potato salad, but what the hell... we'll have the taters, the beans, the corn on the cob, and maybe even some delectable cheesy squash (RIP John Mueller). Don't even ask about slaw - if you want that shit then call Bill Miller's to cater, but don't expect a crowd.
By the end of the night you'll be a legend at work and you may finally get invited to the Happy Hour that your colleagues are actually having, even if they all tell you they're going straight home. And that cute gal from Marketing might finally think you have a Big Unit instead of just a, ahem, randy johnson.
Coming Soon
Lake Travis Adventure - So you just bought a new Center Console, but you steer clear of Devil's Cove because you're sans amigos... Friends For Hire can turn your pity party into a revved-up rager! Check back for details!
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